I am a member of a society consisting of certain distinguished persons, whose manners or merits have raised them above the level of the world. Upon this Society some busy people, who would fain be considered the wits of the day, have thought proper to inflict the absurd title of ‘Dandies.’ This folly gives us but little concern, and we have pretty distinctly traced it to a certain short-sighted elderly gentleman, who was some time since blackballed on an application to be admitted a member of our club. If we are wrong in this idea, we are at least secure in (then) attributing this silly appellation to the envy of some obscure scribbler—possibly some ragged fellow who has been cut by ‘one of us,’ and who has satisfied at once his hunger and his malice by levelling bad jokes at his betters.

You seem, Sir, to have more good nature than many of your contemporary editors, and appear to me to be not altogether unworthy of being admitted into our mysteries. For the gratification of yourself and your readers, you shall know something about us. Our Sect or Society is unquestionably the first and most select in the empire of taste. It is an ‘imperium in imperio,’ as the poet says. Our form of government is an absolute (but not hereditary) monarchy, and our laws are framed as far as possible, according to the strictest letter of courtesy. We number in our list the witty and the most illustrious; no person whose claims to distinction have not been confirmed by the jealous admiration or envious notice of the ‘crowd’ can be admitted a member of the ‘Gentleman’s Club,’ and even then not till he has undergone a certain probation, and cleansing himself from the sins of vulgar heresies.

No member is allowed to incur the risk of being stifled by the air east of Temple Bar without special consent (unless he be obliged to go to the Bank for money), and the privilege of being choked, or distended at a city banquet, can only be acquired by ballot. This point, however, is sometimes ceded to the intelligent and illustrious, our society not being destitute of the spirit of discovery, and being really anxious to ascertain all the real gradations between themselves and absolutely savage nature. No person wearing shoes in the morning or boots in the evening can be admitted a member of the Society. The same penalty attaches to those who presume to stare at pretty women without the aid of an eye-glass. Every member, on being admitted into the Society, must forswear the use of some liquid called ‘porter,’ and must abjure also a certain herbaceous plant or grass of disagreeable odour, entitled (I believe) ‘cappage’ or ‘cabbage.’ (This plant, I think, B. once said had been adopted by the State in a season of scarcity, and was afterwards prescribed, as aliment, for tailors.) No person who has smoked tobacco, or drank punch since he came to years of discretion, can possibly be admitted without the most thorough purgation. Bruisers are not admitted, nor coachmen, whether professors or amateurs, though some of the former are retained on the ‘establishment,’ at a liberal salary, to avenge any insult offered to the Society.

Puns and jokes of all sorts are prohibited. In short, there are fifty other regulations equally conducive to mirth and good humour.

N.B. It is to be observed that the secretary is not a member. It was intended originally that none but members should be present at our discussions, and that the office of Secretary should be ‘endured in rotation.’ This plan, however, (owing to the indifferent writing of some members, and the bad spelling of others,) was found inconvenient.

“Memoranda made at a general meeting of the ‘Gentleman’s Club,’ held at the Thatched House Tavern on the 9th day of June, 1816.

“The secretary read the requisition for a meeting in order to appoint a president, and in order that the applications of various persons for admission into the Society be taken into consideration.

“The Hon. Mr. S. then rose, and moved that the Society was in want of a head. This was agreed to after an observation by Lord P.—that he ‘really never could see the use of a head.’

“Lieutenant ——, of the ‘Gards,’ moved, rather abruptly, that the weather was insupportable, and that the Society should adjourn to a more convenient season.

“The Duke of —— objected to the disordered state of the Society, &c., and assured the meeting that he thought it much better to exist in hot weather than in hot water (applause).

“A new Member, in a pink waistcoat, suggested, in a low conciliating tone, that any gentleman whose stays should be found oppressive might be at liberty to retire, paying his fine.—Agreed to nem. con.

“The Hon. Mr. S. then moved that the meeting do resolve that the law respecting president be repealed, and forthwith proceed to elect a head!

“The following noblemen and gentlemen were then successively put in nomination for the office of Grand Master of the Society:—

“The Duke of ——.

“Murmurs—a general expression of discontent—no ballot took place. Lord P. (curling his mustachios) swore that was rather too good.

“The Earl of Drum.

“Silence. A member observed at last that the Earl had once been caged all night for breaking lamps!—Lieutenant really could not see the objection (a smile). The Earl was blackballed.

“Lord Viscount ——.

“A general laugh. One member said that his lordship’s spelling was not such as would become a ‘Grand Master.’—Lieutenant ——, in some warmth, protested against such remarks. He considered that the Viscount could spell as well as himself (viz., the Lieutenant); at any rate he knew that his lordship could always spell for himself.—Mr. S. observed that ‘his lordship was in the habit of drinking porter’ at Newmarket, and he played at twopenny whist and brag with the blacklegs.—General symptoms of disgust.—Blackballed.

“Lord George ——.

“A Member said that Lord George was a common author.—Mr. S. admitted that Lord George had been guilty of writing a book; but he contended that as it never sold, no objection could be maintained on that score. One member asserted that the book contained jokes. This was repelled, and the book was referred to for a joke, without success.—Mr. S. said there did not appear to be a ‘mens vivida’ (or disposition to wit) in Lord George, and as he could find nothing particularly ludicrous, excepting only an ‘invocation (by Lord George) to genius,’ he must be acquitted.—Only one blackball.

“Mr. R—.

“Here the door-keeper came in, and said that Mr. R. had requested him to ‘go for a pot of porter.’ All the members astonished; one enquired what was the nature of porter? to which his neighbour answered, that he believed it was a medicine used as a palliative or soporific. Mr. S., however, defined it to be ‘an intoxicating beverage, like port, much drank by the lower orders.’ The door-keeper was ordered to retire, and a vote of expulsion passed against Mr. R.

“Mr. S. now said that as several of the honourable members were asleep, he should move to adjourn the meeting sine die.

“Agreed to nem. con.

“This is a faithful transcript of the minute-book.

“I had intended to have sent you some characters of our most celebrated members, but I am tired of writing. Perhaps I may resume my pen on some future day.