You never could accuse me of weakness again, had you been
witness of the scene I bore yesterday. I had no conception of anything like it,
& indeed I almost wonder that I could so steadily keep my resolutions, but
there is a firmness about me that I can bring forward on great occasions and
particularly on this as I was backed by your warning. No, on some occasions I
can sacrify my happiness to that of others—but this is too serious, and
besides I should only sacrify myself to make him unhappy—for I never
could feign what I did not feel—so we parted yesterday in a most
desperate manner,—& tho’ I was really unhappy all the evening
& had a most dreadful headache yet I put on my usual composure. This
morning he sent to beg a conference with Mama & one more with me. This was
acceded to—but with considerable nervousness on my part—it began
worse than yesterday’s with a great many oaths on his part taking heaven
& earth to witness that he could love only me. I endeavour’d to
compose him & to explain the case, namely that I would love if I could but
that I could not & that my friendship he should have. He only begged me to
forget everything that had passed, that he repented having spoken to
me—that he only desired to see me as he had done, that I would behave to
him with as much confidence as usual & that he was quite sure in time I
should love him. I said I could not say anything as to the latter but that
LADY MELBOURNE’S CHILDREN | 79 |