. . . ” My spirits have for some time been subject to
fits of extreme depression, in which I have invariably felt myself compelled to
put an end to my existence. I leave this letter to account to you for my
conduct, in the event of my obeying one of these. I have endeavoured to the
utmost of my power to combat these fits of low spirits, but my efforts have
been in vain. Nothing, I believe, could relieve me but change of scene and
agreeable company: and you know it is at present quite out of my power to try
the effect of either. . . . I know not whether to ascribe it to an unhappy
natural disposition, or to the joyless life that I have led, marked only with
misfortune and misery, wanting the cheering kindness of friends and relations,
and unenlivened by the amusements and pleasures which other young men have
enjoyed in passing through the same stages of existence. But I certainly have
not the same perceptions of enjoyment that others have: from the earliest of my
recollections, life has been a thing of no value to me, and I have been
accustomed in times of sorrow to envy even the ground I trod on, for its
insensibility to the evils that vexed and tormented me. . . . My past
expectations have been so continually disappointed, that I am unable to place
any dependence upon what at present appears favourable in my future prospects.
Indeed, the more I think of the future, the more I am inclined to
| 200 | WILLIAM GODWIN |
