“Even in this immense metropolis there are not more than a score or two, and in the chief places of the kingdom not a greater number than from one to five of the entire population, who know anything of the pleasures we are about to describe. To the great majority of readers, therefore, this exposition must possess the grand charm of novelty.

“In the first place, the joys of Editors are very widely spread and general; in fact, they are made the happiest of living creatures—by being requested to publish such intimations as the following, sent to them expressly, as it should seem, for their gratification:—

“‘It gives, or affords, us the highest pleasure to be able to state that Mr. C. D. intends to add another book to his exquisite treatise on morbid affections.’

“‘Nothing could inspire us with greater delight than to be able to state that that eminent artist E. F. has arrived in safety from Italy, where the contemplation of the great masters has added new powers even to his magic pencil.’

“‘The public will learn with the same heart-felt satisfaction which we feel in announcing it, that the accomplished Miss G. H. has recovered from her indisposition, and will immediately resume her duties in the fashionable world.’

“‘We are at once astonished and enraptured by J. K.’s last lecture on the diseases of the bladder. We understand he begins his new course on the 1st of April next.’

“And so on through the whole alphabet, and the whole circle of literature, arts and sciences.

“We are, it is true, sometimes said to he sorry, but in that case, there is invariably a hope attached to us, a land of promise at the end of the desert;—thus

“‘We are sorry to find that the Rev. L. M. is prevented by the gout from finishing his grand work on the prophecies; but have reason to hope that the delay will be short, and the publication rendered more perfect every day it remains in the hands of its classic author.’

“Being compelled ex officio to sympathise in print with all the hypothetical happinesses (heaven knows how few in reality!) of authors, artists, players, lecturers, publishers, picture-dealers, cognoscenti, exhibitors, teachers, fiddlers, and hunters after popularity of every kind; feeling all their little troubles, and more than partaking in all their great hopes: watching their motions, as it were, and recording their progress with a maternal anxiety; comforting the public when they are not immediately prominent, with the assurance that they will shortly be so, and being enraptured with their stupendous merits when they do come forward with any labour—these are the mere first links of our intimate connection with everything in the above lines.

“Our opinions are of mighty importance.

“Then the multitude of especial favours that we receive—each in his sphere! Being chosen as the most appropriate channel for a highly (self) interesting communication:—the publishers of long essays written in haste, and in want of our kind correction:—the most excellent paper for an exposition of the greatest consequence to our readers in the improvement of S. T.’s patent:—the respectable medium for answering U.’s attack on V.’s important letter:—the valuable journal for widely disseminating a specimen of W.’s intended publication on a question of universal attraction!

“Then we are occasionally sore beset with temptations. A pretty poetess has just finished her first attempt, ‘Stanzas to a favourite Goldfinch;’ and with down-cast blue eyes, a heaving bosom, and a faltering voice, entreats to see it in print. We are martyred between the writer and the writing. Such a supplicant, what man can deny—such a composition what Editor can insert! A philanthropist has a plan for the relief of the poor—have we not charity to give it place? A reformer produces a scheme for remedying all abuses—have we not patriotism to find room for it! An enthusiast would preach mankind into one blessed group of loving brethren—the sermons are long and perhaps tedious, but surely our humanity cannot reject them!

“And it is often in vain to endeavour to elude these applications with, ‘Your poetry is charming, but it wants a little polishing to fit it for the public eye.’—‘Will you be so good as make the necessary alterations?’—‘It would delight us, but take the merit from you, which must not be’—‘Oh, I am not self-sufficient, and shall be happy to have my errors rectified.’ ‘We will point out two or three slight defects in your exquisite ideas—so and so—etcetera.’ The verses are taken to be altered, and we are never forgiven.

“The painter is equally solicitous for advice, alias praise, and equally wedded to his own system. ‘That sky is green.’ ‘Ah! that was necessary for the contrast with these black rocks.’ ‘The natural colour is blue.’ ‘Surely you would not have a picture look black and blue!’ ‘But these trees are heavy and brown.’ ‘I must have a neutral tint in that bright sun-set.’ A picture is entirely yellow, purple, and gold—it is a fine effect of colour. Another has men, women, and babes at the breast, all muscular as Samsons or Herculeses—it is a noble display of anatomical knowledge. A third has men of stone, and dead children of iron grey—it is the grand gusto, half-tint, and not amenable to the laws of nature! We could swell the catalogue, but might be thought personal.

“‘This is a new mechanical invention—a fire and water escape, so that you are in no danger in your garret, should your house catch fire, nor in your cellar if it should be flooded. Observe how the machinery moves.’ ‘Yes, in the air, but either fire or water would destroy the very principle of its motion.’ ‘I am sorry that you do not seem to understand the mechanical forces.’ ‘We are sorry that you do not seem to understand the force of our argument.’ ‘It is very easy to object to useful speculations, but not so easy to escape from the terrors of flood or horrors of conflagration!’ ‘Sir, we would rather trust to the resource of Gulliver among the Lilliputians, in both cases, than to your silly machine.—Good by t’ye.’